whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
