Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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