I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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