I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
