No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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