his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
