May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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