My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
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How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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