If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
