that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
