if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
