went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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