My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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