Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
