My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
