so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
