apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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