My liver just broke up with me...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels