does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society