i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
