I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
i out mim tonsoeep
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