Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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