Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
