just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
