I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
