just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize