there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
