I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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