i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
