You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
