I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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