Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dicks are not precious.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
