I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
