I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
