There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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