Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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