I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
