oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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