Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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