I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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