i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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