he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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