my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
