woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
