not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
