I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
