Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
