His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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