Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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