So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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