i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
