Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The chlamydia really affected his face.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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