Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Your dad touched me again.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
