don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
