i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
