His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
