pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
