My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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