Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
