new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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